Baby Girl #4

I have been hoping to sit down and record some of my thoughts and feelings concerning the arrival of another child into our family.  Today just might be the day I can accomplish this long-awaited task. 
The beginnings of Baby Girl #4 started long before I found out I was pregnant, and I want to write it all down.  It has been a bit of a journey.

For one thing, I have been so grateful to have had Andi.  My experience with her, even during pregnancy, has been such a joy.  Perhaps because it's been such a wonderful experience, my devastation in losing Michael was increased a hundred fold in knowing I could be experiencing my first and last chance of motherhood with Andi.
But I was proven wrong when I married Eric.  What an opportunity it has been to mother two more girls, both of which are so special and unique.  I have learned so very much from them and feel my soul has been deepened because of their presence in my life.  How grateful I am for them.

Being that I have been so blessed with these three girls, and being that their individual needs, frankly, are each so great, I have felt very torn on whether or not Eric and I ought to try for a child together. 
There was one point, however, that I was quite convinced I would want to bear another child.  It was when Eric and I were dating and I knew I needed to talk to Eric about this desire of mine. It wasn't an easy conversation but we communicated what we needed and ended it knowing that if we were to marry, my desire for another child would be a high possibility.

The first two years of our marriage were very full and very challenging.  Perhaps not particularly encouraging in some ways.  This third year has continued in the same pattern, but thankfully we have experienced more of a routine life together as a family.  We are growing closer together, and for that, Eric and I have been grateful. 

The passing of time and the growth we've been experiencing (even though sometimes the growth has been more like "two steps forward, one step back,") has prompted my thoughts about the possibility of adding another child to our family.  Unfortunately, what started out as simple contemplations turned out to be months of agonizing over the issue.

The truth became clear:  There was no perfect answer.  There were challenges, sorrows, and issues laced with each side of the issue. 
As I look back on that time just months ago, I realize that was perhaps one of the first times during the past few years of challenges that I truly found myself submitting my will to God.  I finally put myself on my knees and said, "It's up to you." 
Two short months later (and I emphasize SHORT, knowing that it took an incredibly short amount of time), I pulled out the old pregnancy test.  Sure enough, on a Thursday afternoon in May...May 15th to be exact...the test showed a positive result.  I looked at that result for a long time.  It did not take long, however, for me to feel the power of the Spirit overtake my entire body. YES....YES....this is real.  This is good.  I don't think I can forget that experience. 

And so I am grateful.

Eric has been stoic (at least to my face!) in accepting this new fate for our family.  He was even more stoic as we found out that we get to have another girl.  I have been proud him and grateful he has been willing to move forward on this new road together.  I am very aware of the fact that this is not a small step for him.

The girls have each had their own unique responses to the idea of a new sister.  Each response, I believe, has been reflective of their own unique personalities and experiences.  Abbey has been kind and quiet.  Andi has been off-the-wall jubilant.  Ava has demonstrated a variety of reactions....some of which I think represent confusion, anxiety, and perhaps some innocent naivete as she may not realize just how much things might change around here.  I will be anxious to see them finally interact with this new little one.  How I hope and pray it can be a mostly pleasant adjustment, in spite of the large change it is.

I have tried to take note of the "noteworthy" details of this pregnancy so far. 
I hope to record them here soon.
In the meantime, I am 33 weeks and counting!